I have had a lot more diseases this week
I suppose it's a symptom of something.
The schizophrenia was all in my head,
but the pain in my chest - that was you.
My shoulder is not accepting pain referrals
from more disastrous disorders;
the brain tumour is only growing in my imagination.
But the pain in my chest - that was you.
I mean it might just be a myocardial infarction;
that would be significantly less problematic.
There's no need to panic just yet, but
this pain in my chest - it's you.
Summer Baby
The Scottish Highlands are a lot like me. In the summer: expansive, glowing, elegant, bright, beloved, warm and welcoming. In the winter: bitter, sharp, dark, biting, with gales howling at the windows (of the heart, in my case).
I am thinking this thought on a bus, rushing happily through this greenlit world with my eyes closed and my skin warm. It is the kind of day I wish we would have every day, the kind of day I wait for all year and which is always marred only by the grumbling of others. The bus is filled with pink people who long for rain, despite complaining about the rain 20 days out of the last 30. They refuse to be happy; I am the personification of peace and joy. I am high on vitamin D.
Nevertheless, the thought nags: summer will not last. One day soon they will get their rain and I will be bereft, with only the memory of the sun on my skin. Will I survive another winter here?
SoCS: Count On It
Excuse me for being literal, but there are a lot of things you can count on.
For example, an abacus. I had one when I was a child. I loved it and I counted on it all day long. Now I have no idea how one even works.
Then there’s your fingers. This sounds simple, but where do you start? Italians start from the thumb, apparently – or maybe it’s the little finger? I count index finger out, and my thumb doesn’t get involved unless it’s five.
I can count the number of times innocent students have made that uniquely British offensive gesture at me while trying to show me two, which just leads me to never count on my fingers in front of foreigners. You never know what you’re saying.
You can kind of count on a calculator, if adding up is counting. I’m old enough that I always feel like I’m cheating if I use a calculator, but don’t feel quite secure enough in my brainpower to not check with one.
And mysteriously, I can count in at least four languages more than I actually speak. Maybe five. That is because they always teach you numbers in the first couple of lessons, and they are really easy to practice in your daily life, so they stick. I can count to at least 10 in Gaelic, French, Italian, Japanese, Ukrainian, Hindi and Urdu. I’m multinumerate. I’m a polycount. Maybe I should go show off on YouTube.
Stream of Consciousness Saturday is hosted by Linda G. Hill. This week’s prompt was ‘count on it’. Read more on it here: https://lindaghill.com/2023/01/20/the-friday-reminder-for-socs-jusjojan-2023-daily-prompt-jan-21st/
Issues in Ant Rescue
Today about 11 ants took a ride on my shopping bags into my kitchen. I think it was my fault, not theirs; I saw them running around while packing but didn’t think they would actually get in/on the bags. I underestimated them.
It is important to me to take responsibility for my actions, so I didn’t particularly want to murder them. I decided to attempt a rescue mission with my bug catcher. (The best device ever invented, deserving of a post of its own, but not today.) Also influencing my decision was the fact that I could only see three ants when I made it.
I painstakingly loaded two of them into the bug catcher. This is not an easy task, because it is designed for bigger creatures. Either other people are not rescuing ants, or they are not stupid enough to give them a lift into the house to begin with.
I promised the third ant, a rugged individualist, that I would come back. Emboldened by this promise, several other ants emerged while I was carting the first (I imagine) grateful pair upstairs. I was not exactly delighted to make their acquaintances, but was quite happy to assist them in leaving. Some of them hopped in eagerly, while others ran away again when they saw the bug catcher. I said:
“If you do not join in the evacuation, you will be squashed.”
This knocked about as much sense into them as you would expect. One rebel condescended to jump onto the outside of the bug catcher and attempt an invasion of my arm. I shook him off at the door, slightly further away from the hub of ant activity than the others as punishment.
Flushed with success from my second ant drop, with which I had delivered three of them to safety, I attempted a third. Tragedy struck. An ant attempted to escape the bug catcher just as I complacently slammed it shut; disaster! Worst of all, the little creature was maimed, not killed, and kept valiantly trying to walk around, while continuously falling over backwards and accidentally traveling in circles.
Unlike me, the other two ants in the bug catcher showed exactly zero concern for his plight, belying all foolish romantic notions of ants living in a society. When the plastic lid is down, it’s every ant for himself.
I was on the antennae of a dilemma: let him take his chances outside with his heartless fellows, perform a mercy killing, or attempt to nurse him back to health? I dismissed the last possibility fairly quickly, because I doubt that ants live long enough to have the ability to fully recover from injuries, and I have no qualifications whatsoever in ant-doctoring, if such a field even exists.
He didn’t make any serious attempt to leave the bug catcher when I gave him the option, and in the harsh daylight he was looking even more mangled than he had indoors. I felt it would be unforgivable to dump him out and leave him to be stood on by some careless neighbour in several hours, all the while probably suffering an ant-sized version of great pain and confusion.
Regretfully, I squashed him. I think it was for the best.
🐜 🐜 🐜
P.S. -I’m not sure if I’m really “back” yet, but I might be.
Blogging, Burnout and a Break
I made it nearly to the end of the A-Z Challenge, and then I just – stopped. I couldn’t write any more, or maybe I might have if I’d tried really, really hard, but it was a busy weekend and I just couldn’t. I enjoyed the challenge, and my theme was great fun, but it was a lot of writing and racking-my-brains time compared to my usual twice a week schedule.
I am not having a good time, life-wise. My temper is frayed and I have a new anxiety-induced set of symptoms every week. Every request/demand from anyone feels like undue pressure. My head is permanently buzzing with things-to-do, and self-criticism for not being able to do them all.
In order to take the weight off myself a little bit, I’m going to take the rest of this month off blogging. I’ll keep reading, and I’ll definitely be back in June.
See you then!
A-Z Challenge: X is for…
…nothing, apparently. I can’t find a form of poetry that begins with X. Time to invent a “nonce form”?
X is a troublesome character
It does nothing that cannot be
done by
others. Like c,
or k stuck onto s;
but those
are
much
busier letters.
Maybe they get tired
x is here to help
From this I have learned that it very hard to write in the shape of a letter x on here; I should have done it the old fashioned way and taken a picture.
This is my X for the A-Z Blogging Challenge 2022. My theme is poetry – a form for every letter of the alphabet. W was waka.
A-Z Challenge: Waka
I love these little Japanese forms; they are just the kind of thing you want to write after a long, tedious day at work. A waka has 5 lines, grouped slightly more precisely than a tanka.
Statistics
The census form asks
age, job, orientation.
It does not ask much
important information.
Did you eat? Are you lonely?
This is my W for the A-Z Blogging Challenge 2022. My theme is poetry – a form for every letter of the alphabet. V was villanelle.
A-Z Challenge: Villanelle
I thought I posted this yesterday, but apparently it got stuck in drafts! W is coming later!
I’m going to come clean: I have already published this poem on vocal.media. It was difficult, and I have not got the energy for another villanelle tonight.
Why is a villanelle difficult? 5 tercets followed by a couplet; 2 refrains; only two rhymes. The French do like to make things tough!
I meditate on the squeeze of your embrace
No mantra, meditation, murmuring entailed
I see that first perfect picture of your face.
The world unwhirled, lungs hovering in space
Trying to store your fragrance as inhaled
I meditate on the squeeze of your embrace
You were from a different kind of place
And though in going there my courage failed -
I see that first perfect picture of your face
You acted awkward, I saw only grace
I knew you felt the night, sweetly derailed
I meditate on the squeeze of your embrace
I don't know if you meant to leave a trace
On the heart whose longing you unveiled
I see that first perfect picture of your face
I promise you that heart has kept your place
That magic in my senses has prevailed;
I see that first perfect picture of your face
I meditate on the squeeze of your embrace
This is my V for the A-Z Blogging Challenge 2022. My theme is poetry – a form for every letter of the alphabet. U was ushnik.
A-Z Challenge: Ushnik
There was a surprising paucity of options for U. Ushnik (उष्णिक्) is a classic Vedic quatrain form with 7-syllable lines. In other words, it’s thousands of years old and I’m probably about to ruin it. No pressure!
Underappreciated
Salutation to the moon
is less preferred than the sun's - we greet the one who burns us,
not the one who lets us rest.
The one who watches us sleep
Tries to light our way for us -
Even when she blocks the sun
We mark the solar eclipse.
This is my U for the A-Z Blogging Challenge 2022. My theme is poetry – a form for every letter of the alphabet. T was tanka.
A-Z Challenge: Tanka
Yes, I’m still running late, but I promise I will get both T and U published today! 💪🏻
Tanka is a 5-line Japanese form with the syllable pattern 5-7-5-7-7. Shouldn’t be too hard, right?
Advice
Do not keep your dreams
Close to your chest, protected
They need air to grow.
Do not smother your question
For fear that someone says no.
This is my T for the A-Z Blogging Challenge 2022. My theme is poetry – a form for every letter of the alphabet. S was Sonnet.
The Spinstress 